You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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