He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
