Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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