so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
