How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
