so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
