sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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