Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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