Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
