If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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