So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
