We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
A+ Viking dick
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
