Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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