i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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