Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Randomize
