yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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