OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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