dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
