Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Drake has all the answers
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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