I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
