Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
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