toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
