You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
