Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Life without a bra equals bliss.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
