Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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