Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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