do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
