Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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