She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
