You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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