You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
