I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
