im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
