dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
