she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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