I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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