I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
ttyl tear gas
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Randomize
