Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
