She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
