Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She told me I should be a condom model.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
