I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
