I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
