She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
false alarm, still single
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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