Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
