So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
