Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
