My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
