I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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