omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
