I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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