More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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